Polite online dating rejection
Really, I don't understand how people think it's okay to just ignore other people when they're putting themselves out there.
To me, writing someone back to tell them "Thanks, but no thanks" is like waving over a bum on the side of the freeway to tell him you're not going to give him money. To me, it's rude to write back. For like 3 milliseconds, you get my hopes up when I see that someone has written me back, and then I open up the letter to find out you wrote me to tell me the exact same thing that I could have figured out if you hadn't written at all. As you can see, people are pretty evenly split between "not replying is unspeakably rude" and "replying just to say no is a terrible insult. The only solution, then, is to do what makes you happy.
Do you feel worse when you delete an email without replying, or when you reply and then occasionally get a response of the "but why not? Do whichever makes you less fed up with the process. Or, do unto others as you would like them to do unto you, knowing full well that some of them would actually prefer the opposite done unto them. But understand that whatever you choose, you won't be able to make everyone happy, and you'll just have to live with that. Personally, I would prefer to receive a "no thanks" e-mail in this situation, especially if it looks like I put some effort into the e-mail.
I can understand your hesitation to ignore someone, especially since in real life this would be completely rude and unacceptable.
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I know it may feel crummy, but not responding really is the best option. That way, like 23skidoo said, you'll be able to avoid continued attention from people you don't want to associate with. If they can't handle an un-returned message, that speaks to something within them that is off. There are an infinite number of reasons why you wouldn't reply; if they're healthy then they'll accept that as part of the process.
It takes a lot of courage just to put up a profile, so good luck and I hope you find someone special! I also initially felt it was rude not to respond to everyone, so I would write back and say, "Thanks, but no thanks" to my unwanted gentlemen internet callers. What I got back were some really crazed responses. One guy wrote me back after the "no thanks" and told me, and I quote, I was "the nail in the coffin" for him, that women were bitches, that my not accepting his offer to communicate was just the last straw for him, and he was ending his online dating membership because of me.
Sheesh, how'd I let that charmer go?!
Man handles online dating rejection by being polite and the world is shocked
Several others wrote back similar insulting things which led to my deciding that ignoring the emails was the best option. This is contrary to my normal approach to life, but so it is. From the guy's perspective, I've had two guy friends tell me they would get their hopes up when they saw their mailboxes full, only to be disappointed when they discovered it was full of "thanks, but no thanks" responses as 23skidoo said.
I found a balanced approach worked best for me: However, if it was clearly a "form letter" seeking my attention and most of them were , I'd not respond at all. It's not rude to simply not respond. It's not even rude's second cousin.
Man handles online dating rejection by being polite and the world is shocked
Not responding is so unrelated to rude that they don't even have the same number of chromosomes, legs or eyes. If you're not interested, you don't really want them to show up in your searches, so add them to your 'dead to me' list, too. The other day, someone QuickMatched me. Thing is, this caginess doesn't work; in my "who's viewed you" list it tells me when people have looked at my ad. I'm not an idiot. So I saw that I'd been matched.
Looked at the profile, saw that we had a few things in common, but, frankly, I didn't find her physically attractive in the least, I found some of her hobbies laughable and worthy of derision, and she's married and poly; I am not poly-friendly. I sent her a note saying that I wasn't interested in my usual comic easy-letdown style. But a couple of hours later I considered: She responded to my note, but I elected to delete it unread and block her. I was probably just feeling extra chatty.
But the conclusion remains: I shouldn't have sent her a note. I dunno -- I did the online dating thing for a while, and I always made a point of responding to anyone that had even made a token effort to read, pay attention to, and seem open to discussing stuff in my profile. There's a world of difference between "Hi, I saw on your profile that you're reading A Suitable Boy -- I read it last year and thought it was great, but didn't really care for the ending.
How far along are you in it? You seem pretty cool -- if you'd like to talk books sometime, message me back! LOL rite me back K" as in the first, I'd think, merits a "thanks, but I'm not really interested" and the second no reply. I have been on the sending side of personalized messages on OKC quite a few times. Getting no response to such messages is a common occurrence and it's totally acceptable. My current girlfriend who I met on OKC would always send polite rejections to guys who she wasn't interested in.
She eventually decided to delete her account because she couldn't deal with all of the messages that she felt an imperative to respond to. Given the trade off between getting courteous rejection messages and having more women on the site, I'd would pick the latter without a doubt.
When people send the first message, they know they might not get a response. It's not a big deal. If it seems like the fellow in question actually took the time to compose a thoughtful email based on what he read in your profile, the nice thing to do is to send back a polite message telling him you're not interested.
Rejection is built into online dating. Politeness should be too
If you get a message from a guy that just says "Hey what's up? I did the online dating thing for a little while as well, and a non-response is completely the norm. That's just the way it is. It's not rude at all. Don't respond to someone unless you're interested. I think it's immensely rude to ignore messages that have been custom-fashioned to attract your attention. If I find a person on OKC interesting, I spend 20 minutes studying her profile and making comments and followup questions. It's OK not to be impressed, but I would appreciate 15 seconds of your time to know that you're not interested.
Even with a form letter. Of course, those who don't put effort in shouldn't get it back. It's just a social norm I disagree with. Unless that occasional profile comes along that looks like a match made in heaven, in which case I bash my head in wondering what she didn't like about me. Someone responded that recipients don't owe me anything.
To an extent, this is true. But think of it in a more tangible context.
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Say a stranger walks up to me and asks what book I'm reading. I could keep reading like a deaf-mute and pretend he's not there, because, hey, I don't owe him anything. It is safe to ignore the generic messages that don't mention anything in your profile, since they are more or less spam. Do a couple sentences about the weather, or that crazy water-skiing squirrel you saw on the YouTube. Maybe I haven't run into many desperate men, but the conversation has always died fairly quickly after that.
This method requires effort, assumes you aren't getting 20 messages a day, and carries a very small risk of ending up on a date with Ralph Wiggum. I hate to be rude too, but let's face it: Even the ones who can write a nice personal e-mail on round one may go mouth-foamy on you if you send a polite decline. Being polite to everyone is not worth the amount of shit that a chick on the Internet is going to get for saying no directly. In fact, the person interrupting somebody reading the book is being rude. I know it's off topic, but I find nothing more rude than some stranger coming up to me while I'm reading trying to start a conversation just because I happen to have a book in my hand.
A book says "I'm more interested in this book than talking to people" not "hey come hit on me" posted by dipolemoment at 2: I agree with this completely. And, guys, you have to understand that women on these sites get entirely different attention than you do. We connect in the ether.
More often than not, we scamper back to our screens to disconnect the same way. After a recent date, I would have been happy to meet again but not to create the impression of romantic interest on my part. I wanted my reply to be honest but light. It can be a fine line. Am very happy to continue the conversation at any point! Occasionally, of course, there is no need to say anything; the message is conveyed. In the event you leave a first date with a clear wish to meet the person again, say so, simply.
It sounds obvious, but sometimes each waits for the other to say it.
The new year will see huge numbers of new recruits to online dating. Sometimes it simply works.